How To Celebrate Darwin's Birthday

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Since most of you are caught up in Valentines Day celebrations, you might not know that February 12th was Charles Darwin's Birthday, an occasion that is celebrated wildly in most parts of the world. Here are the top 12 ways Darwin fans celebrate his birthday:

12. Taunt monkeys.

11. Work really hard at making big toes opposable.

10. Turn off NASCAR, spit out tobacco, straighten posture and stop using the word "fixin'."

9. Have sex with someone whose IQ is higher than the number of their favorite cable channel.

8. Get four friends with bad posture to follow them around, posing as the "Evolution of Man."

7. Pig out. Didn't Darwin teach "survival of the fattest?"

6. Finally lose that tail.

5. If his exhumed corpse casts a shadow, teach six more weeks of fundamentalism. (Kansas only)

4. Party like it's 1869.

3. Same as day before: Rid self of old sperm to make room for newer, more evolved sperm.

2. Inseminate a creationist.

and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate Darwin Day...

1. Take a fish for a walk.