Senate Resumes Consideration of Universal Health Care for Pets of Illegal Aliens

Sunday, February 29, 2004

 - 35 years, 267 days from now...

WASHINGTON (Future News Network - Health) - After a six month delay, the U.S. Senate is expected to begin final negotiations on a bill to extend health care benefits to the pets of illegal aliens. It is expected that the measure will be signed by President Chelsea Clinton as soon as it is approved by Congress.

The House version of the bill passed in June. The Senate is still working on a somewhat more generous version of the bill. The major difference between the two plans is that the Senate’s version includes dental care while the House version does not. Backers say, “we expect to have a compromise agreement approved for the President’s signature before the end of the year.”

Foes of the proposed legislation have been rallying on Capital Hill in protest for the past two days. "This bill, if it becomes law, will only add to the immense budget deficit that future generations of American taxpayers will be saddled with," said Gunther Rosenblat , founder of the taxpayer protest group People for the Ethical Treatment of U.S. Taxpayers (PETUST). "Furthermore, it will insure that this nation will never be able to reduce its 800 trillion dollar debt,” he said.

When asked to comment, Secretary Ashley Lopez, head of the government’s new Department of Alien Rights stated, “Since illegal aliens now outnumber citizens 2 to 1, this administration believes that universal healthcare for their pets is long overdue.”

“The only opposition to this bill seems to be from those few members of the right wing Republican Party that still remain in Congress. This administration has had an ongoing dialog with the leaders of the liberal Republicans who have pledged their full support for this legislation, “ she said.

Secretary Lopez continued by saying, “Those who are against this bill are the same hate-filled individuals who continue to advocate for the right to home-school their children. It is intolerable that they should now stoop so low as to attack sick defenseless pets.” Lopez warned that “These people should be very careful that they do not run afoul of the James Carville Hate Speech Act which was enacted in the third term of the President’s mother’s administration.”

"For the future of this great nation," Lopez said, "I pray that Congress will make the morally right choice."

“Furthermore,” she said, “we hope that Congress will soon begin working towards passage of the Alien Bill of Rights that President Clinton mentioned in her recent State of the Union address."

- Chris Chatwood


Chris is a conservative Republican running for the Sixth District Congressional seat of Georgia. He is also a part-time satirist, and we look forward to more of his contributions.