The Political Vine

By Kelli Cook - "Don't Get Your Panties in A Wad"

I had begun to panic this morning (Wednesday, deadline Friday) because the world seemed to being doing less and less stupid stuff. So I prayed to the God of Common Sense and asked him to be a little less diligent in his duties. For those who say prayer doesn’t work, I offer the following examples:

Thank God They Don’t Live In Georgia

Another flag battle is being fought, only this one concerns American flags being bought by and flown by the University of Central Florida. A student group called Rebuilding on a Conservative Kornerstone (ROCK) wants the student government to spend $3,200 on flags for every classroom.

Liberal students are up in arms screaming, “America is BAD!” Oh wait, I just mixed my headlines, that’s Iran’s government. The liberal students argue Old Glory might intimidate international students (“Dear God/Allah Ishmael! It’s an American flag! Run for your life!”). Maybe it will remind some of these international students just which overbearing, interfering, nation-building country (not my description, www.liberal.com) is providing them the education their wonderful, peace-loving, everyone is equal country couldn’t or wouldn’t. Makes me happy I’m a night-student and will miss the liberal demonstrations at GSU next semester.

You might wonder what this student government is spending its’ $10 million budget on if not for flags. $7,000 sent a coterie of students to a pro-marijuana conference in California. $10,000 went for plasma screen televisions. $25,000 went for Birkenstocks for the entire campus. $15,000 went for hemp love bead necklaces. No, not really...you still have to buy your own Birks and love beads in Florida.

Why Beat Your Wife When You Can Meditate Her Away

Attention all wife-beaters and those who have problems controlling their violent rages—move to Santa Fe, New Mexico and the next time you get picked-up for slapping that no good, fat, lazy, ugly wife of yours, Judge Frances Gallegos will sentence you to Tai Chi and acupuncture. And if you are really bad and put that b*&^% in the hospital where she belonged, Judge G. will send you to Japanese tea ceremony classes. Seems fair, doesn’t it? You beat your wife to within an inch of her life and you spend weeks learning how to dispel that anger brewing and serving tea. Attention all women--Get the hell out of Santa Fe NOW! (www.CNN.com)

Special Accommodations Can Be Made for Voters Who Can’t Lift the Ballot Book

This is the third time I have rewritten this section. Every morning I find new candidates have entered the fray for the California Special Election. However, instead of going to CNN.com, I think I’ll start browsing to imdb.com (Internet Movie Database) as they might have better information on Gallagher, D.L. Hughley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Arianna Huffington and Angelyne, all who have registered or filed candidacy paperwork.

There are of course real politicians running: Bill Simon (not ours silly!), Sen. Tom McClintock and Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante who has broken ranks in the Democratic Party by running against party wishes. Just imagine the cold reception he’s going to get when he loses and finds himself a man without a party. And those are only the well-known people! FYI: Angelyne is well-known to SoCal’s for her self-promoting billboards as well as the many websites tracking Angelyne sightings. Still curious? Google her; thank God this isn’t California.

Arianna Huffington is not only a well-known celebrity, but she could also be running against her ex-husband, Michael Huffington who has also filed for the appropriate paperwork. Gary Coleman’s filing fee and required petition signatures were obtained for him by Oakland newspaper The Oakland Express. Coleman has said that not only will he NOT campaign, but he will also vote for Schwarzenegger. To check for the latest entry of the 230+ registered California Governor wannabes, look at California Recall Candidates.

So what does it take to become officially recognized by the Sec. of State of California to run for Governor? You must file paperwork and then pay $3,500 or accumulate 1,000 signatures (this applies to the real parties, those in the Green, Libertarian, Peace and Freedom parties only have to get 10% of their parties’ members signatures, approximately 37). Once you fill those requirements, game on.

Boy am I glad I don’t live in California. We may have the flag flap, but at least we don’t have all the actors, musicians, politicians and crazies running for governor. I guess as a nation, we should be glad this isn’t taking place in Florida where this many names would send those senior citizens into convulsive fits. I vote we call Mark Burnett and see if he’s interested in doing Survivor: California. Who will outwit, outplay and outlast the others to become Governor of California? It would sure beat Paradise Hotel.

Kelli Cook - "Don't Get Your Panties in A Wad"
The author, whose wit is sought after for dinner parties and social gatherings, has been approached numerous times by the Swedish Bikini Team to join them but cannot fit this extra activity into her already busy schedule of rescuing orphans from burning buildings, finding the cure for the common cold, and writing for the Political Vine.