By Kelli Cook - "Don't Get Your Panties in A Wad"
This has been a slow news week. My usual news outlets, CNN.com, FoxNews.com, have not provided me with a whole lot of fodder for my column. And since I try to stay away from polarizing issues so as to keep this column light and fun, I can’t mention the Pope (close-minded) or the problems of the HOPE scholarship (too easy to get). Therefore, I thought I might amuse you with a little alliteration.
”Bamboozled” was the title the AJC gave to the discovery of the Bambi hunting hoax. This was the organized hunt where participants would pay $10,000 to hunt naked women in the Nevada desert. If the women were hit, they would receive $1,500 for the day; if they evaded the wily hunters, they would receive $2,000.
Of course as soon as the story hit the mainstream media, women’s groups were OUTRAGED! I’m a woman and I’m jealous. Anyone who’s played paintball knows getting hit is painful, but not injurious. And if I had the ‘assets’ and parents who wouldn’t be mortified their daughter was running around naked, one day of Bambi-hunting would pay for an entire semester’s tuition.
Women’s groups said women were being degraded by this hunt. I’m sure that $1,500 paycheck makes the hurt go away. I’d really rather have these women’s groups fight for more bathrooms at large event facilities.
Bushisms: We all know Bush is not great with foreign names. Too bad we aren’t at war with Cuba or Canada - there would be no name mangling. The following quote is from President Bush during the speech he made on 7/30/03:
"Ramzi. Ramzi Alshibh or whatever the guy's name was." (Source: www.CNN.com)
President Bush was, of course, referring to one of bin Laden’s top lieutenants and he will of course be lampooned for his mispronunciation. Even I have to admit I love the Saturday Night Live sketch where Bush is naming all the hard-to-pronounce foreign names he knows.
But I also know that I would rather have a president who is decisive and boffing his wife, not his intern (save me your heated comments, I know the former president wasn’t technically boffing his intern, but I couldn’t think of a clean way to express what the former prez WAS doing), leading our country instead of one who’s all smiles and eloquent speeches.
Buzzing packages in Gwinnett: This column seems to be a little in the gutter today. I apologize to those of you with delicate sensibilities.
The Post Office in Gwinnett got a package that was buzzing yesterday. The carrier delivered the suspicious package to the parking lot and called the authorities. Fortunately, Gwinnett County police, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms as well as a couple other agencies came out to defuse the package containing a vibrator and some massage lotions. Perhaps these items should be shipped without the batteries in them in the future.
BadNameChange.com: I love animals and there are times when I think I would feel worse shooting an animal than I would some humans, but I won’t be joining PETA anytime soon. Besides the hypocrite models they hire and the way they conduct business, I can think of few things better than a slab of dead cow with a loaded baked potato on the side.
But Karin Robertson, who works for PETA, has decided to further her vegan-cause. She has legally changed her name to GoVeg.com (full story can be found on www.cnn.com, Offbeat). I’m sure vegans will hail her everywhere as a hero. But let’s look at the practical ramifications. “Do you, Bob, take GoVeg.com to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Yep, that sounds dumb. “Principal Jenkins, I’d like you to meet my mom, Mrs. GoVeg.com (no last name with that moniker).” Does her husband become Bob.com? Bob GoVeg.com? Just Bob? It’s kind of like the N’Sync Forever! tattoo you got when you were 17 and will regret when you are 30.
Bummer-of-an-Idea-Poindexter: Generally I stand behind the Defense Department. But when DARPA’s (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) terror futures trading idea became public the other day, I think we all scratched our heads in confusion. Why would the government encourage us to bet on whether there will be another catastrophe or if a world leader is assassinated? It’s a hell of a fundraiser, way better than your average bake sale, except most of us find the whole idea icky.
I personally would tweak that idea to work as a fundraiser for the Georgia DOT. You pick a day when there won’t be a serious accident or when they finally figure out the right formula for the I-85 South repaving job and if you’re right, your portfolio bulges. If not, maybe State Bridge Road will finally be widened.
Addendum 8/1/03: Poindexter will be announcing his resignation within the coming weeks.
Sorry, dear readers, nothing really panty-bunching this week. As I said earlier, it was a pretty slow news week and all the usual suspects kept their yappers shut. How selfish. However, tomorrow’s another day.
Kelli Cook - "Don't Get Your Panties in A Wad"
The author, whose wit is sought after for dinner parties and social gatherings, has been approached numerous times by the Swedish Bikini Team to join them but cannot fit this extra activity into her already busy schedule of rescuing orphans from burning buildings, finding the cure for the common cold, and writing for the Political Vine.
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